home (ru)
personal pages (ru) |
INTEGRATED OTSM-TRIZ ENGLISH COURSE > Text Technology
(c) Alexander Sokol, Riga, 2000, contacts@thinking-approach.org |
• Preliminary Points
|
JONATHAN LIVINGSTON SEAGULL by Richard Bach1. Translation
(
The Full Scheme Model,
The Contradiction Model,
The Ideality Model,
The Resource Model,
The Problem Situation Model,
The Problem Solution Model)
Kseniya Kalugina (Form 11)
I might be wrong, but
I guess the meaning of the phrase would be a bit more close to the original if
‘fierce concentration’ were translated not like “единственное
желание”, but “неимоверная
концентрация”,
for example. My comment 11: It would. What would be bad
about this variant? And how can we resolve the contradiction if it exists here.
Does it? I’m not quite sure
about formulating the contradiction, but I guess the solution of the translator
was to add some more new epithets. I think the phrase would be quite normal. My comment 2: So, what's the variant you're
offering? Он
прищурил
глаза,
предельно
сосредоточился,
задержал
дыхание и на
один… еще
один… дюйм…
увеличил
изгиб
крыльев.
Перья
взьерошились,
он потерял
скорость (выдохся)
и упал.
If a
translator makes a more detailed explanation, it will be easier for a reader to
get the point, but the meaning of the phrase will change. (will be less negative
and categorical) Не
научиться
ничему, и
следующий
мир будет
таким же, как
этот, тте же
недостатки (ограничения,
преграды), та
же свинцовая
тяжесть. My comment 1: Why could the Russian
phrase seem unclear in your opinion? I didn’t mean
the Russian phrase is unclear. Moreover, the main point is explained in a very
detailed way, too detailed probably. That’s why there’s a difference between
the original phrase and the Russian one. My comment 2: Well, any variants for
resolving the contradiction you formulated? Or it doesn’t exist? I guess it would
be a good solution to make a word-for-word translation in this case.
It wasn't the
synchronization the translator should emphasize, flying 'as one bird' should
have not only physical but also spiritual meaning. My comment 1: How can this be changed? Or if
it's difficult, formaulate the problem first. It's actually
not such a nad idea to translate the phrase, not ot invent it. That's why it
would be useful to make a word-for-word translation. My comment 2: Could you make it? Весь
ряд как однв
птица
медленно
нааренился
вправо…
выровнялся,…
перевернулся…
выровнялся, а
ветер
хлестал их
всех.
If the author found
it useful to emphasize the process by means of Present Continuous, wouldn’t it
be logical to do the same in the translation. Джонатан
ни на минуту
не
разлучался с
учениками,
показывая,
подсказывая,
подстегивая
и направляя
каждого. My comment 1: Is the structure used in
the original text ‘Present Continuous?’ What would be bad about the
variant you offer? What should be bad
about my variant? My comment 2: Each variant has both
positive and negative consequences. I just asked you to think of negative ones
as we often prefer to omit them. The negative side of
the previous variant was that I didn’t mention that Jon was ‘at the side of
EACH of his students.’ Improved variant: Джон
ни на минуту
не оставлял
ни одного из
учеников… Daria Saharova (Form 11)
It seems to me that
from all the 19 passages only number 6, 8, 9 and 17 are not poor translations,
because here the translator did not
just give us some denotative meanings of several words and then put them
together, but managed to show some connotative meanings, too. So, the problem
the translator did not solve in every other example is rendering the connotative
part of the meaning. “The real power of the linguistic languages lies not with
their denotative ability but in the connotative aspect of language: the wealth
of meanings we can attach to a word that surpasses its denotation.”
‘Jonathan
Seagull’ who was translated as “Джонатан-Чайка”
surprised and shocked me. I’d better say “Чайка
по имени
Джонатан” as long as Seagull
isn’t his surname but just a sign that he belongs to seagulls.
The word
‘learning’ in this particular case means, I guess, that Jonathan is learning
at the very moment, so it could be translated as
жаждущий
или
стремящейся
получить
знания. The stylistic
characteristic of the word “пытливый”
does not let us use it in this sentence.
‘From before
the sunrise till past midnight’ – ‘From sunrise till midnight’.
Does the translator see no difference? I’d make it sound like «…тренировался
упорно, день
за днем,
начиная до
рассвета и
заканчивая
после
полуночи.» Steps
(The Problem Situation Model, The Contradiction Model, The TRTL Model)
Task. Let us consider Jonathan as an example of creative personality. To every
step he takes, there is a reaction of external circumstances. Make
a list of Jonathan’s steps and mention the reaction they caused. Point out a
problem which arose in each case. Formulate a contradiction if possible. Daria Saharova (Form 11)
Kseniya Kalugina (Form 11)
Essay
(Ability to ‘redefine oneself’, use books as a source of additional experience)
Task.
Write an essay entitled ‘Jonathan
Livingston Seagull – an irresponsible member of society or an image to strive
for?’ Kseniya Kalugina (Form 11)
I am going neither
blame nor admire. It is nice of course
that Jonathan tried to overcome the ignorance of the Flock, to break the
stereotypes, to achieve his aim, to do what he wanted to do. A symbol of freedom
for the modern society – fighting, striving, free! Isn’t he? But don’t you think
that breaking a wall with one’s head isn’t the best way to go through it?
There’s such an invention called a door as far as I remember, which makes the
process a bit less painful. However, a poor
little bird wasn’t smart and experienced enough and had no idea of such a
wonderful thing as formulating a problem and ideal final result. Moreover, he
wasn’t even striving to find a compromise. Briefly the point is
that one should obey the Holy Laws of society and do what one wants to do at the
same time. Need a contradiction? Daria Saharova (Form 11)
Both. I don’t think
we could say that someone’s point of view is better or worse: there’s no
good and no bad, it depends. For someone the words “… there’s a reason to
life! We can lift ourselves out of ignorance, we can find ourselves as creatures
of excellence and intelligence and skill. We can be free!” are closer. Someone
else may think that ‘the reason you fly is to eat’. I guess there will
always be people who won’t be sorry for the price that they will pay, people
who won’t be happy to live just as another cow in the crowd of milliards;
people who won’t see any borders and limits. Jon says that ‘your
whole body is nothing more than your thought itself, in a form you can see.
Break the chains of your thought, and you break the chains of your body, too.”
He says that ‘we are free to go where we wish and to be what we are”, that
we “have freedom to be yourself, your true self, here and now, and nothing can
stand in your way”. Doesn’t it sound very pleasant, doesn’t it reach your brain, your heart? There is one more
quotation I like, “You know nothing till you prove it!” It often happens
when people say ‘I can’t do it. I can’t do that. I can’t be free!’ Who
said it? I ask you who said you cannot when you have never tried it. Never tried
to prove it!!! On the other hand,
are the flock’s members not right? There were rules which Jon broke, there
were traditions which Jon broke, there was dignity… And who should have known
he’s right? Maybe he was not. What could be if everybody did everything they
wanted? Life in the world with no conditions, no limits – I’m not pretty
sure everybody would have a high goal because they would mostly think about
themselves only. Anarchy doesn't lead to paradise!!! Nobody said we are the
highest creatures. We have an animal’s nature so maybe the Flock’s right and
‘we are put into this world to eat, to stay alive as long as we possible
can’. Who was speaking about ‘the highest purpose for life’? I am completely lost.
1
- Comments are provided here to
demonstrate how the original task can be developed with a particular
student. It is very important that students go on working upon their tasks
after they hand them in for the first time. Here is where learning takes
place. Students make progress in comparison with themselves. Compare here
Kseniya’s first idea with her last variant.
|
top |
(ñ) 1997-2000 OTSM-TRIZ Technologies Center http://www.trizminsk.org 21 Nov 2000 |